It feels like forever since I was last here, depression got me and I just couldn’t find a way to do more than I absolutely had to.
I saw Mr Who a couple of weeks ago and at the time I felt great, I just didn’t realise that it would trigger so much. It was the first time I have seen him where I didn’t feel sick to my stomach, break out in a sweat and not be able to breathe properly. To me that was a step forward, but the nightmares and flashbacks I have had since are certainly not steps forward; I have to just take it a day at a time and I’m very lucky these days to have some caring, supportive people in my life.
I finished another two subjects of my Masters degree since I was here last and started the new semester. There has been so much work to do through this course that I’m exhausted; add to that the markets have started again and I have a stall each Sunday and I guess exhaustion is understandable. That cold remedy ad springs to mind a lot, you know…”…soldier on with ******, soldier on…”
The one thought that keeps me motivated, no matter what, is how much better my life is without Mr Who; sometimes it’s incredibly lonely and financially it’s the hardest time I’ve ever had, but I’m free. Most people will scoff, and some have at me, freedom is something we all have (so they say) but it’s only when you have had it taken away from you that you can truly understand how I feel. Every single day I’m grateful to be free, most days I’m grateful to be alive.
The last few subjects for uni have taken a toll on me because I’ve chosen to do major projects around and about domestic abuse; this new subject I’m pleased to say gives me the opportunity to try my hand at historical fiction. Don’t get me wrong, we have a choice of our end of subject project. We get to choose the genre and topic but I have felt the burning need to do a great deal of non-fiction and creative non-fiction all centered around domestic abuse. Not this time though, this time I am writing a fictional piece about a time-traveling girl who goes back to the gold era of Sovereign Hill in Victoria and I’m excited. 🙂
So it’s only two deadlines a week this semester and half the work load that I’ve had for the last four years straight. To me it’s like I’m on a little holiday and gives me time and energy to do some other things, like sending my poetry out to some publishers. That’s the next step in my journey as a fledgling writer, I really want to find a publisher and the only way that will happen is if I’m brave enough to send my stuff out. Fingers crossed.
take care, stay safe